- (no subject)
- October 22nd, 22:40
The move went surprisingly well. We've been in the new place for a week today, and so far, things have been great. For the most part, anyway. My girlfriend got really pissed at my dog when she had an accident in the house, but didn't really bat an eyelash when her cat clawed the shit out of the couch. She hasn't done any housework at all, really. I've taken out the trash and run the dishwasher every day. But...we're not fighting like we used to at my parents' house, so I'll take what I can get and work on the rest as we go along here.
I don't know if I'm having trouble adjusting to the new place or what, but I haven't slept past 9:30 since we moved in, until today, and that was only because I woke up with my period. I was having a horrible nightmare about the night I lost my daughter 13 years ago, and I woke up in agony and covered in blood between my legs, just like that night, which really freaked me out badly. Shockingly, this was at 10am, so waking up totally shaken and freaked out STILL got me more sleep than I've been getting since we moved. I don't mind getting less sleep, really. It's been nice to catch up on my television shows on Hulu and spend a lot of quality cuddle time with my puppy and get some putzing around done around the apartment, but I've been so, so tired at work that I end up drinking coffee at 9pm and then I know I'll be awake until at least 3am!
I'm trying very hard to come to terms with the fact that I will most likely never be a mother, at least not to a human child. My dog is like my child, so I can't entirely say that I'm not a mom. But having my own baby is something that I've dreamt of since I was a little girl, and I'm afraid that it will never be a dream that can come true for me. My girlfriend doesn't want kids, I'm getting older, we're lesbians so there's no real "easy" way to "accidentally" become pregnant, and she doesn't think we'll ever be able to afford it, anyway. I lost my chance 13 years ago when that bastard killed my little girl, and I'll never have the opportunity to make it right. I held a child, my child, in my arms for one brief, endless moment, a cold lifeless child whom I pray each and every day knows how much I loved her and still love her to this day and would give anything I have to bring her back and change what happened that night...I'll never get a second chance to do things right, but maybe in a sense it's better that way. I failed her so epicly that there's no reason fro me to have a second chance...if it weren't for my stupidity, she'd be alive today, almost 13 years old...
Maybe if I just try to get more sleep this won't all seem so bad. Maybe. I should be almost giddily happy right now, and instead, all I want to do is sit and cry.